Approaching 36

what I've had enough of, and what I want more of

This coming September, I’ll be turning 36 years old. A friend recently told me in a joking but loving way that when I turn 36, I’ll be closer to 70 than to 0. 

What?! That stopped me in my tracks. I felt a brief mid-life crisis, of sorts, as I pondered what that signifies.

Close to 70? I thought I’d be so much more put together at 36 than I feel like I am. 

The older I get, the more I feel the years pass by without us really knowing it. I understand now how older people say, “It goes so fast!” and mean it. My dad passed away this last November, 5 days shy of turning 70 years old. In some ways, 70 feels young, and yet I know I’m not promised tomorrow. 

I started thinking through how I see the world, how that’s changed over the years, and what I want the next 36 years I have (Lord-willing) to be marked by. 

I’ve had enough days where I let joy get sucked away by the ache of anxiety, usually over things out of my control. I’ve had enough frustration at comparing my kids to other children and their behavior, feeling like I’m doing something wrong when they don’t act perfectly. I’d like to end fewer days tired by the behavior of one of my kids, only to feel the sting of shame as I tuck them in and kiss their faces and remember they are little people, in process just like me. 

I’ve spent too much time criticizing my husband for silly things, letting harsh words fly, and trying to be his Holy Spirit. I’ve had enough days go by when I crawl into bed, wishing I’d spent more time connecting face to face with my family instead of feeling ruled by my to-do list. I’ve had more than enough time wasted holding bitterness in my heart towards people from past hurts. 

There is so much I feel I’ve had enough of or more accurately, done enough of, as I look back on my life. As a follower of Jesus, daughter, wife, mother, friend, I want to be marked by love. Joy. Intentionality. Grace. Thoughtfulness. And on the outside maybe those are things I have shown, but I know there’s work to be done in my heart. I want the next chapter of my life to be attuned to some different rhythms. 

I’ll never get enough slow mornings, long days, and cozy evenings spent at home, all distractions aside, playing with my boys. I’ll never get enough face to face time with my husband over coffee, out on a date, or while sipping wine in our hot tub. I’ll never get enough time spent reading to my sons, watching their eyes light up as they learn about the world and take in all the wonder. 

I will not grow tired of investing in dear friends, be it via Marco Polo messages back and forth or coffee dates in person. I want more time spent face to face with my people over long dinners and good conversation. I will not regret a slower pace of life and a somewhat counter-cultural rhythm, with fewer commitments and a less busy schedule, and an intentionally crafted life with more margin. 

I’ll be excited to have more family hikes and bike rides, sister dates with delicious takeout, conversations over whiskey by the fire with my husband, neighbor happy hours and impromptu conversations with strangers. I’ll seek more to give people the benefit of the doubt, assume the best, and let the small things be small things. 

Here’s to having had enough of some things, and never getting enough of others. 36, here we come! 

Photo by Jannis Lucas on Unsplash

This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Enough".*