The Moment Before

a look at Symphony Conductors and Chapter 1 of my Symphony Series

My Symphony Series is something I’ve had on my mind for a couple years. Every time I am lucky enough to attend a night at the Colorado Symphony in Downtown Denver, I am positively mesmerized. The music transcends and I leave thinking about life, love, God, faith, parenting, you name it. My mind is swirling with deep thoughts, emotions, metaphors and more. These small essays are my humble offerings of those thoughts and musings, broken into orchestra sections.

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I have long thought that watching the Conductor of the orchestra is a treat in and of itself. A good Conductor is animated and emotional, moving with the music and the musicians.¹ The orchestra is attuned to his or her small movements and subtle facial expressions, watching and listening for their cues.

Christopher Dragon, while guiding the orchestra through the music of “How to Train Your Dragon” was giddy, bouncing on his toes, arms out and spread wide as he carried the musicians through the triumphant melody when Hiccup first rides Toothless through the air. His smile was visible to the entire concert hall, his head held high as he beamed.

Another Conductor I had the pleasure of watching was leading the orchestra as they accompanied Ben Folds in his own music. In slower, more melancholy songs, as the music softened and the notes quieted, the Conductor’s body mirrored this—knees bent slightly, head tilted to the side, torso angled just barely toward the musicians as he brought his elbows closer to his midline, keeping his movements gentle and small.

*** 
Before having kids I imagined I would be the conductor of their lives and the captain of the ship, the CEO of our family and the architect of a beautifully curated life, all of us bringing light into this world in our own, special way. 

Yikes. The pride in that makes me cringe. 

It's (only) taken me 8 years to realize that I am not the conductor of their lives. I have say and influence and enjoy getting to be a guide, for sure. But the true conducting is not up to me. It never was. 

There is One much greater than me, prompting all of us in our individual parts in this greater symphony called Life, and also helping direct the unique melodies of our own lives. 

***

My own life still needs some directing, quite frankly. I'd like to think the older I get, the more I know and the easier it is to adult and make decisions and forgive and give grace and parent and.....and, and, and. Far from the truth. I find myself clinging to the One who knows the number of hairs on my head, who set the stars in motion, who created the taste of lemons and the smell of coffee and the sound of a laugh and the beauty that is family. 

***

There is a palpable moment before each Symphony starts. People settle into their seats and the low level buzz simmers down. Purses are set aside, hands settle into laps and heads turn toward the stage. The musicians orient their bodies toward the Conductor and lift their eyes to meet his, waiting for their cue. We are all anticipating what is to come. It's a quiet, somewhat holy pause before the magic begins. I sink into this moment and wait. What will the night hold? 

***

What will this year hold? Only the Conductor knows. He sees the pages ahead of this great symphony, the tricky parts to come and the ones where it feels like the melody drops out and only minor notes are played. He also sees the triumphant and celebratory sections where every musician is engaged and present. I am holding my breath in this anticipatory moment, eyes fixed ahead. I want to play my part well, love my people well, be present in the circles I'm in and stretch my eyes to see all the beauty and wonder around me.

***

Photo by Kazuo ota on Unsplash

This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Anticipate."

1. An incredible article highlighting a musician’s perspective of a good conductor: https://theinstrumentalist.com/june-2018/a-symphony-player-looks-at-conductors/